Whales Do Not Constitute Fire
by thecowofwisdom
Summary: Laura's had a bad day and comes back to an emergency. Written once again in haste but I just couldn't resist. Laura/Carmilla.


**Whales do not constitute fire**

_A/N Nothing is mine clearly_

Sometimes Carmilla just took things too far.

A little bit of ice cream was fine. A black and white movie, snuggling up in the duvet with a hot water bottle: all fine.

But this?

No, this was ridiculous.

Laura was having a rough day. She was late to her English Lit lecture, got lost in the library, caught in the middle of a turf war between the Glee Club and the Swim Team before being locked out her building upon discovering the Zeta's, backed by the Alchemy Club, were now requiring blood and hair samples before entry. So when she got to her room, all she wanted to do was crash. Take a shower, pretend to work on her Lit paper and go to sleep.

Apparently her stars were not aligned.

Upon entry into her room she was hit with a hot blast of air, no; make that a scorching hot blizzard of smoke hitting her square in the face.

Her room was on fire.

ON FIRE.

Carmilla had set her wardrobe alight. Their wardrobe. Their SHARED wardrobe.

'Carmilla! What in holy Hufflepuff's name are you doing!' yelled Laura, immediately running into the bathroom and grabbing mugs full of water to quell the flames that threatened to engulf the entire room.

'Grrrrrrrrr' growled Carmilla, who was rather unhelpfully curled into a ball on her bed.

'Don't you dare growl at me you have SET THE ROOM ON FIRE Carmilla. Oh my god oh my god oh my god we're going to DIE my dad is gonna throw a fit Carmilla will you PLEASE HELP ME.'

Laura was becoming increasingly agitated as the fire grew, licking the ceiling as she struggled to keep pace.

'Ughhhhhhhhhh' Carmilla half sighed, half groaned. She uncurled herself, stared at the wardrobe and Laura watched as the flames receded, leaving in their wake a charred, pretty unrecognizable chunk of wood that was their wardrobe.

Laura stood in the middle of the room and glared.

'What was that Carmilla?' she demanded, hands on her hips.

'Grrrrrrr'

'I know you can form words so for the love of all that is not burnt in this room will you please tell me what prompted you to SET THE ROOM ON FIRE?'

'…. Calm down cupcake…please…. it was barely even hot.'

'That is not the problem here Carmilla: the problem is why there was a fire in the first place.'

'…'

'Carmilla Karnstein you will answer me or so help me I will sign you up for Glee club!' threatened Laura to the more-broody/unresponsive-than-usual-vampire.

'Cut me some slack princess.'

'You set the room ON FIRE.'

'I am aware of what I did. It seemed like a good idea at the time.'

Laura was stunned into silence. A good idea?

_A good idea?_

'And in exactly_ which_ universe was that a good idea?'

'…The universe in which two whales stop having sex in my uterus, if you must know.'

A second silence fell. When Laura failed to speak Carmilla decided to look up, uncurling slightly from her ball.

Laura was grinning.

'What?'

'You set fire to a wardrobe…. because of period pains?'

Well when she put it like that….

'….Yes?'

Laura broke as she clutched her sides in laughter

'You are so overdramatic' she choked out 'Carmilla Cullen. Crampmilla!'

'Will you please stop? It hurts. Everything hurts.'

'Okay okay I'm good. It's just…really? Over 300 years old and you're defeated by your own uterus?'

'Shut up.' Carmilla re-curled, pulling tighter into herself 'I thought the heat from the fire might make me feel better.'

'…Well that seems…. no okay no that is the worst logic I've ever heard' declared Laura.

She dumped her bag on her bed and fished around on her shelf for a bit, humming as she did so. Carmilla felt a thud on her bed as Laura nonchalantly chucked over her favourite yellow pillow. The vampire snatched it and pushed it next to her cramping uterus for comfort.

After a few minutes, Laura cleared her throat and Carmilla looked up. Laura was standing over her in her pajamas, holding a film in one hand and a Sippy cup of warm blood in the other

'Come on. This'll make you feel better.'

'What?'

'300 years of living and you still haven't experienced the healing powers of a black and white film. Come on.' Laura forced herself into Carmilla's bed, handing her the Sippy cup and reaching for the laptop behind her.

The two settled down to watch the film.

'See? This is much better than trying to burn us alive isn't it?' Carmilla hummed in agreement, slurping through her straw nestling closer into Laura.


End file.
